I’m Dating a Mama’s Boy!

Q: I am a nineteen year old woman who has begun dating a seventeen, soon to be eighteen, year old guy. He is very mature for his age, but still lives at home with his folks. He is also looking for work as a mechanic, something he is very good at, but is not considering college. All that aside, my biggest concern is that he is pressuring me to come over and have sex at his parents home. I am an old fashioned girl, and I don’t think it would be right to go to his folks house to have sex. I think it would be very disrespectful-besides, what would they think of me? I don’t want to get started on the wrong foot with his parents before they get to know me. I really like him-he is intelligent and fun to be with, so I don’t want him to think I don’t care about him by saying no.

A: Wait a minute. The guy is currently two years your Junior (I assume still in high school), doesn’t have a job, lives with his folks and your primary concern is whether or not to sleep over at his house?

First of all, I don’t care how mature he may seem, if homeboy is still in high school and living with his parents, he can’t be THAT mature. Life experience is garnered once one leaves the nest and has to struggle to make ends meet. Also, it should be something of a red flag that this kid has no plans to go to college. What does he plan to do with his life? You say he is a good auto mechanic, and while this is a great profession, are you assured that this is a path he will pursue, as he is still young and can go down a variety of paths.

What about your own goals and aspiration? Surely you have a bit more going on for you than to be trolling the high schools looking for dates with men who have barley started shaving?

My advice would be to date someone who is your own age or slightly older, whose goals and outlook match your own.

If you persist in continuing on with this young man, then I would tell you to stick to your guns about not sleeping over at his house. You are right, it would be inappropriate, and if he feels he can have adult relationships within the walls of his parent’s home, what is to motivate him to move out and move on?

Besides, why can’t he come over to your place if it is that urgent?

I don’t know what you are thinking, but I can’t tell you what to do. Just remember, simply because the guy is “legal” so to speak, doesn’t mean he is ready for a real, sexual relationship-be careful, not only for your sake, but for his as well.

Modern Manners for a New Generation

Today’s teen aged girls are more independent, outspoken, andgoal oriented than ever before.

As gender roles continue to change, young men may be confused as to what is considered appropriate behavior on the dating scene. A boy who has been yelled at for holding a door open for a young lady, may be confused by the demerit he receives for not opening the car door for his date.

How does a teenage boy apply due courtesy, without getting placed into the terminal “nice guy” pile?

Very simple.

Observe some of the basics of manners and etiquette, but don’t go over board. As a woman, I like courtesy, but too much of a good thing can be just as off putting. You don’t want to appear stiff and unnatural-use these tips with due moderation.

TEEN DATING ETIQUETTE FOR BOYS

GO TO HER PARENTS DOOR-If you want the girls father to think you are a closet serial killer, by all means, impatiently honk the car horn, but if you like this girl, go the extra mile and actually walk up to the front door to pick up your date.

OPEN THE CAR DOOR-Just because I am an independent woman doesn’t mean I don’t like to be treated special. Opening the car door is a small, but significant gesture of respect.

PULL OUT HER CHAIR-This quaint little touch makes a girl feel appreciated and will put a blush in her cheeks.

NO CELL PHONES-Nothing says “I think I am out with a loser” better than having someone talk on a cell phone during a date. Turn it off, or better yet, keep the thing in the car.

TEEN DATING ETIQUETTE FOR YOUNG LADIES

I know we girls tend to think it is all about us, but how we treat our men matters too. Men are just as deserving of courtesy, besides, how can we expect to receive what we ourselves won’t give.

LEAN OVER TO OPEN THE CAR DOOR-after your date has so obligingly opened the car door for you, reach over and open the driver’s side door. I have done that and many men have exclaimed that it was the first time a woman ever thought to do it-I find this extremely sad. If you really like the guy, this will make him feel thought about and appreciated.

GO TO THE FRONT DOOR-If you drove over to his home, then get out the car and go to the front door. If his Mom or Dad answers the door, politely introduce yourself and make small talk until your date arrives.

TURN OF THE CELL PHONE…That goes for you too–duh!

FINAL NOTE: Who Pays-If she asked you out, she pays-if the boy asked the gal out-he pays-just be honest about what you can or cannot afford. Hopefully, the date of your choice will understand!

That’s it-have a good time, and remember to always mind your curfew!

Avoiding Teen Violence

I ran across a rather disturbing article that details a rising trend called teen dating violence.

The article, delves into the shocking rise in unhealthy teen relationships and their causes.

One girl, whose name was withheld, spoke of verbal and mental abuse suffered at the hands of her boyfriend, who slowly chipped away at her self-esteem leaving her feeling worthless. Another young lady was physically threatened, after a boy she had broken up with threatened to send gunmen to her homecoming dance.

The boy was slapped don the wrist with a misdemeanor and a disorderly conduct charge.

There are indications that teens are more at risk for these types of relationships because of their ever evolving attempts to find themselves and mature. Teens also have a tendency to be very angst ridden, and self-esteem can be low, particularly if said teen is having a hard time fitting in. Riddled with insecurities, a teenager may either seek to dominate and manipulate their love interest, or become susceptible and even accepting of physical or mental abuse.

This can make for a volatile dating dynamic that can lead to unhealthy perceptions, like idea that overly aggressive and controlling behavior means your girl or boyfriend “really loves you.”

Fact of the matter is, nothing is further form the truth, and teens have to be made aware that behavior that is mentally or physically harmful is unacceptable; otherwise they could fall into a rut of similar relationships, which can follow them into adulthood.

What’s the answer?

Love yourself! As Carroll, the coordinator and counselor of a campaign called Choose Respect aptly noted, “”Somebody who is looking to abuse someone wants an easy mark. They don’t want someone who is going to stand up to them. If you do that, they’ll move on.”

It is the hopes of people like Carroll that teen daters develop the ability to grow past abusive relationships, before it becomes an unbreakable pattern.

Parents also play a pivotal role in helping teenagers understand their value and self worth. As soon as they recognize that their child is being abused, they need to step in to be a sounding board and to give advice that doesn’t come off at preachy, which can be hard to do.

Teenagers are going to one day become young adults, and they have to know that parents will help them, while also allowing them to make their own decisions. As a parent, your job is to facilitate communication, where you child knows you are an authority figure, but also realizes that their feelings and thoughts matter too. If they feel this way, they will be more open to talking-and listen.

What can we do about teen aging dating and violence? Talk to our kids, tell them to choose respect, and ultimately, trust that we have raised them well, and that they will inevitably make the right decisions.

Teen Dating “Product” A Lame Duck?

A new product called THE DATING SOLUTION has hit the market and promises to enable parents to teach their children very important tips on how to date successfully, as well as how to avoid various pit falls that can occur within the realm of teenage dating.

The Press Release expounds on the ideas behind the principle of the Dating Solution, proclaiming, “This Dating Solution contains a Self-Help Audio program with the prerequisite step-by-step dating knowledge you must-know to succeed at every stage of your dating process.”

The provided link on the press release takes you to a page that informs you that you will receive several books as well as the “user friendly” DATING SOLUTION GUIDE, but what is confusing, is just what type of product is this guide.

It says it is an audio program, and that it is “user friendly,” but frankly, that doesn’t tell me very much. Is it computer software? Cd’s? DVD’s? Audio cassettes? All I can seem to get from the press release and the site is that the DATING SOLUTION will keep teens from getting their tender hearts broken.

Red flags have already begun a-waving.

1) If I am going to pay $97.00 for something, I want to know exactly what I am getting! If I am merely buying an e-book, then I am surely not going to pay $97 bucks! If it is an audio cassette, how useful will it be seeing as most people now have CD and DVD players?

2) Kids will barely listen to their own parents, why would they listen to a supposed lifestyle guru, be it via cassette, CD or interactive dating software? The idea is as ludicrous as thinking someone would pay money for a product that isn’t even displayed on the site.

3) Do we really want to become so over protective that we will spend money on dating “seminar” that will guarantee our sons and daughters won’t be “harmed” by love? Isn’t it the very process of growing up and making mistake that turns us into well rounded, and knowledgeable individuals?

My predication is that a girl or guy can do everything according to the book, and still not land that guy or gal of their dreams, which will, or course, lead to an overwhelming and crushing disappointment.

I mean, what kind of message will it send if the kid believed they needed this aid and it didn’t work. It would be better to fly blind than to think there is a surefire way to score with the opposite sex.

This is not to say that advice shouldn’t be given, or that teens won’t listen to the voice of reason in all cases, but we are living in a fantasy land if we believe there is a way to safeguards our hearts when it comes to the love game.

 

In my humble opinion, this “product” will have about as much value as so called “Spanish Fly”. There are no guarantees in life or love-and that is what makes the journey worthwhile.

FUN ACTIVITIES FOR TEEN COUPLES

Dinner and a movie may be fine for the older set, but teen daters are looking for far more fun, safe and youthful ways to get to know a potential love interest better.

The pastime a teen couple might enjoy would depend entirely on the interests of the boy and girl. Athletic types may opt to go hiking or roller blading, while brainiacs may appreciate the museum or theatre. Whatever their pleasure, here are a couple of sources of entertainment the can get the ball rolling.

BOWLING – This fun activity is ideal because it incorporates something that is physical but low key enough so that you and your date can talk. It is also conducive to hand holding, especially if you have to carefully instruct your date on how bowl a strike.

CONCERTS-teens who share a common interest in music, and have the same taste in bands and genres, will have fun connecting in this way. Whether the concert is great or turns out to be a dud, it will be a memory they can share for some time.

BILLIARDS OR MINITURE GOLF – Besides being incredibly relaxing, both of these sports require concentration, but are up close and personal enough for enlivening “get-to-know-one-another” conversations. A great first date activity.

BIKE RIDING AND EXERCISE RELATED EVENTS -Can be ideal for teenagers who are health conscious and want to hang out with someone with similar interests in fitness.

MUSEUMS OR THE ZOO-fun for people who tend to want their entertainment to be informative as well as enjoyable.

ONE DAY CLASSES – Local newspapers will offer a wealth of info on classes available in your local area. Firing pottery, jewelry making or painting can be a way to share a passionate and creative side with your date.

AMUSEMENT PARKS-This is a stress free way to get closer to your dream girl or guy, particularly if you have a fondness for roller coasters-as you round that curve you can ever so slightly place your arm around your gal pal shoulders as she snuggles towards you for safety-that is-if she doesn’t get sick on you first!

COOK OUT OR BEACH PARTY – If you are enthusiastic about large, social gatherings, then a cookout or beach party would be a great place to hang out, and will allow both of you to interact as a couple.

VOLUNTEERING – Civic-minded youths might find volunteering at places like Habitat for Humanity or engaging in walk or ride-athons right up their alley for recreation.
What is great about all the above scenarios, is that they are healthy, foster cooperation and can be indulged publicly, allowing the teens to find out who their date is, without the false sense of intimacy that hanging out in one another’s bedrooms might create.

Finding a common interest would be a first step in establishing a bond that could last for years, and develop memories that are the hallmarks of the teenage experience.

Welcome to my Teen Dating Blog

When I was a teenager, I was absolutely clueless about various aspects of dating. On the one hand, TV made it all seem very simple. You and your love interest hung out at a popular local haunt, or did school work together at one another’s houses, where, depending on the show, you would or would not make out.

On the other hand, the real world was fraught with very real and disturbing challenges when it came to this very complex issue.

Teen pregnancy, drinking and STD epidemics had parents deeply concerned and troubled. Some thought that greater legal and parental restrictions was the answer, while the opposite factions barely wanted to impose any restrictions at all, believing we should simply tell our youths to “always use a condom”, and “just say no to drugs.”

It was all very confusing for me, a young idealist who was somewhat conservative in my beliefs at the time. I found it difficult to navigate the walk between what I should or should not do, and how I should or should not feel. It had to be one of the most perplexing periods in my life.

Even so, I knew harsh restrictions would not deter hormonally charged teens from trying to get together, I also knew that not providing guidance was also a trap in and of itself

I think a healthy balance of trust in our young adults coupled with careful, loving guidance and supervision is what was needed back then, and is what is needed now.

Unfortunately, today’s teenager is having to take their cues from the sex obsessed media and/or their peers as harried parents attempt to continue on in a economy that is not conducive to keeping their offspring well fed and clothed.

This is where I hope my blog can come in. I want to provide practical advice, tips and pointers on how to find fun places and establishments that are geared towards a teen aged crowd, as well as on how to dress youthful and fresh, with an eye towards clothing options outside the realm of music videos and movies. I also want to speak openly and frankly about the concerns that today’s young people may have in regards to the pressures they face in school and the world at large, primarily as it pertains to dating and teen romance.

I have to say though, that I am greatly impressed with many of the teens I have run across, as they seem far more savvy, politically aware and goal oriented than the teens I knew when I growing up.

I happily invite readers to drop a line with their own experiences, suggestions or questions, which I will try to address in my blog as much as possible. I don’t want to talk at teens, I want to have a two-way discussion, which will perhaps provide the guidance I sorely needed, and desired, when I was at the same crossroads in time.